A few days ago I went for auditions for my school production. In the second round, I had to talk about something I regretted doing. I didn't get selected for it, but I was just thinking about what I would have said if I did get selected. I thought of everything I had done that I truly truly regretted, but nothing came into my mind. Not that I haven't done anything worth regretting, I just couldn't remember. Yes, I was embarrassed about a lot of things I had done, but never regretted any of it. Then, I stumbled upon something I regretted being.
You guessed it. I regretted being a girl. Still do. And, I think, there are quite a few reasons why. I don't think I would just start regret being myself without any triggers. I thought about it a lot. Why I would regret being someone I am; someone I feel comfortable in sometime. I regret being a girl but I don't want to change my gender. The irony.
When I thought about it, I thought it has a lot to do with the society and environment I grew up in. My parents are quite modern with their views and actions. All through my life they haven't stopped me from doing anything. They've always striven to instill curiosity in me about something and then, went out of their way to quench it to the best of their abilities. Even now, after I have grown up a bit, and am filled to the brim with various kinds of activities, including studying, they never stop me from trying out new activities.
But, I grew up in a society where there were a lot of restrictions because of both, 'tradition and culture' and safety. I wasn't stopped from mingling or befriending anyone. I had a wide variety of friends, and I had loads of fun. My first restriction came when I was 13, and it wasn't forced upon me by my parents. In fact, none of my restrictions have been forced upon me by my parents. I was not allowed to mingle with boys. This was in one of my schools, and it was a huge blow to me because the first gender I would choose to make friends with are the boys. It wasn't clear to me from the beginning, it started becoming clear when there were a few restrictions for me alone.
At the time, I was confused. I didn't know what was happening! I had never been stopped from befriending anyone! Had I done something wrong? I couldn't think of something wrong that I had done. I was then called for counselling in the school where they counselled me out of befriending the boys. That didn't really happen. Eventually, I left that school. It had left a huge impact on me, though. I became aware of society's expectations of me, how to behave and how not to behave, their expectations of me mingling with whom, and doing what, keeping track of my every move.
After that, I became aware of some of my girlfriends not liking me because I hanged out with guys. I never forced them, they just didn't like that one of their friends interacted with the other gender. I became aware of some of my friends' parents being disagreeable of their kids hanging out with me because I was 'too spoilt'. Every time I went pass people I imagined them talking about me, saying things about me just because I hanged out with human beings that were made a little differently than me.
I also became aware of some of my male friends avoiding me so that society doesn't start pointing fingers at them too. I think, that was my breaking point. From then on I consciously got into the race to be more masculine. I regretted being me, I regretted being feminine. I wanted to be accepted, and I thought if I became more masculine, people wouldn't see me as a girl, they would instead see a boy. Ofcourse, that didn't happen. I never really thought of changing my gender, I was comfortable in it! But, I regretted it. That was the main reason I started regretting being myself. There are other petty reasons, all put on me by the society. Reasons like acting in a particular way, not doing somethings the guys do, branding me as weaker without knowing my potential. All this put me down. Why did they think I wasn't good enough?
Through all this, I also realized that I actually got into the race of becoming masculine much before than I thought I did. Unconsciously, I got into the race long, long before I became 13, probably when I was 6-7 years old. I didn't even realize it then, but I had already started disliking most of the things girls like.
P.S This is a personal thought and not meant to offend anyone. Especially the female gender. I respect the gender, and would help anyone in need. I don't look down upon the whole feminine gender, just me. I really would stand up for the girls if I had to. This is not meant to offend anyone.
You guessed it. I regretted being a girl. Still do. And, I think, there are quite a few reasons why. I don't think I would just start regret being myself without any triggers. I thought about it a lot. Why I would regret being someone I am; someone I feel comfortable in sometime. I regret being a girl but I don't want to change my gender. The irony.
When I thought about it, I thought it has a lot to do with the society and environment I grew up in. My parents are quite modern with their views and actions. All through my life they haven't stopped me from doing anything. They've always striven to instill curiosity in me about something and then, went out of their way to quench it to the best of their abilities. Even now, after I have grown up a bit, and am filled to the brim with various kinds of activities, including studying, they never stop me from trying out new activities.
But, I grew up in a society where there were a lot of restrictions because of both, 'tradition and culture' and safety. I wasn't stopped from mingling or befriending anyone. I had a wide variety of friends, and I had loads of fun. My first restriction came when I was 13, and it wasn't forced upon me by my parents. In fact, none of my restrictions have been forced upon me by my parents. I was not allowed to mingle with boys. This was in one of my schools, and it was a huge blow to me because the first gender I would choose to make friends with are the boys. It wasn't clear to me from the beginning, it started becoming clear when there were a few restrictions for me alone.
At the time, I was confused. I didn't know what was happening! I had never been stopped from befriending anyone! Had I done something wrong? I couldn't think of something wrong that I had done. I was then called for counselling in the school where they counselled me out of befriending the boys. That didn't really happen. Eventually, I left that school. It had left a huge impact on me, though. I became aware of society's expectations of me, how to behave and how not to behave, their expectations of me mingling with whom, and doing what, keeping track of my every move.
After that, I became aware of some of my girlfriends not liking me because I hanged out with guys. I never forced them, they just didn't like that one of their friends interacted with the other gender. I became aware of some of my friends' parents being disagreeable of their kids hanging out with me because I was 'too spoilt'. Every time I went pass people I imagined them talking about me, saying things about me just because I hanged out with human beings that were made a little differently than me.
I also became aware of some of my male friends avoiding me so that society doesn't start pointing fingers at them too. I think, that was my breaking point. From then on I consciously got into the race to be more masculine. I regretted being me, I regretted being feminine. I wanted to be accepted, and I thought if I became more masculine, people wouldn't see me as a girl, they would instead see a boy. Ofcourse, that didn't happen. I never really thought of changing my gender, I was comfortable in it! But, I regretted it. That was the main reason I started regretting being myself. There are other petty reasons, all put on me by the society. Reasons like acting in a particular way, not doing somethings the guys do, branding me as weaker without knowing my potential. All this put me down. Why did they think I wasn't good enough?
Through all this, I also realized that I actually got into the race of becoming masculine much before than I thought I did. Unconsciously, I got into the race long, long before I became 13, probably when I was 6-7 years old. I didn't even realize it then, but I had already started disliking most of the things girls like.
P.S This is a personal thought and not meant to offend anyone. Especially the female gender. I respect the gender, and would help anyone in need. I don't look down upon the whole feminine gender, just me. I really would stand up for the girls if I had to. This is not meant to offend anyone.
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